Referees Render Rugby Final "Child's Play" by Jeremy Ruane The Auckland v. North Harbour rugby encounter later that same afternoon was child's play when compared with the end-of-season clash to end all end-of-season clashes. Two of New Zealand soccer's premier footballing provinces, Auckland and Counties-Manukau, threw caution to the wind on October 16, 1994, at Mt. Smart #2, and proceeded to parade before the unsuspecting throngs - about thirty foolhardy folk in all - the cream of their respective refereeing ranks. A match for footballing connoisseurs? Not exactly. But what an opportunity for those of us who'd come along relishing the chance to get our own back on those who'd spoilt our Saturday or Sunday afternoon's pleasure by flagging for offside / ball out of play unnecessarily, or blowing the whistle too soon / too often / too loudly. Too loudly? Can you think of a worse way of being woken up, having nodded off in the first place because the standard of football on show made listening to Parliament seem like an exciting prospect by comparison? A number of individuals did not disappoint. Some, in fact, further enhanced their already burgeoning reputations. For starters, there was the match referee. Graham "Butch" Whitford followed the instructions given him by his peers before and after the kick-off, blew his whistle when told, gave goals when appropriate, and had the audacity to argue with a spectator over a point of law while merry hell was going on around him. Anybody would think he did this every weekend!! Come to think of it, ... As we all know, or are led to believe, the game's about players. And few of those who'd volunteered / been coerced into leaving their flags, cards, notebooks and whistles at home for once proved themselves quite useful. Grant Stockwell, for instance. The John Wark of referee's football!! The brilliant ball-juggling skills of Tony "Baggio" Scott were much in evidence. And who said one of our favourite TV giggles couldn't play soccer? Kevin "Mr Bean" Moffitt proved just as effective without his whistle as he is with it!! Meanwhile, the Chelsea chums, Graeme West and Perry Tompsett, emerged as towering influences on the left flank. The goalscorers' column - Auckland won 5-0 - had some noteworthy names appearing in it. Brian McKeown, no less, dug deep into his National League experience to thunder home from two yards out, before the penalty specialists took over. In a game involving referees, it's hardly surprising that a couple of penalties were awarded. Brian "Foxy" Precious and Neil "Foxy" Fox duly converted them - is it any wonder Grant "Foxy" Fox hung up his boots with the likes of this pair scoring three-pointers, albeit on the soccer pitch? Talking of scoring, Ian "Jellybaby" Hiscox can't keep away from the ladies, not even the one's he's marking!! It's just as well he doesn't officiate in women's matches anymore!! A few talented individuals left us awe-struck with various aspects of their displays. Tony O'Connor, for instance, who turned so quickly that he left the ball behind him more often than not. And Nga "Zico" Kairua, with his brilliant distribution. Shame about the accuracy, or should I say lack thereof!! Mal Parsons, meanwhile, was giving us his best impersonations of John Lipscombe and Jurgen Klinsmann. After repeated dives of up to 3.6 degrees of difficulty, all present were convinced Tottenham had signed the wrong man!! Steve "The Assassin" Fletcher was doing his best Paul Ince take-off. Unfortunately, our man Fletch has got a bit of work to do before he, like Ince, can attain a master's degree in the art of getting away with two-footed tackles. This news has come as a relief to many, including Derek "Diego" Rugg, the man who turns like Maradona, but shoots like a water pistol. Atop this, he's blessed with exquisite ball-handling skills - literally!! But then, so is Diego!! All in all, it was a good afternoon's fun for all and sundry, but you had to feel sorry for one poor chap. As if confessing to being a Manchester United supporter wasn't enough to ensure certifiable status, Chris "Roboref" Murray is the only bloke I've seen watch a free admission game from outside the ground!! It takes all kinds, I guess, but then, so does being a referee!!